{i’m} letting go...

My Esther commented on yesterday’s post and strangely enough it’s something I had been thinking about as well. So instead of a comment to a comment, a post...


I consider myself an educated person in many avenues, but particularly in the realm of Christian religion. I mean seriously I have two degrees in it and in my household it is common dinner time talk, just like the weather. So the story that follows surprised me. I should have gotten this by now, right?


About 5 months ago I was driving home from work and I was listening to one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Francesca Battistelli. The song I’m Letting Go started playing from my iPod. I’d heard it what seemed like a thousand times; but this time was different. I was singing along, like normal. But as I pulled off onto my downtown exit she sang...


I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
I stopped singing – I think my mouth dropped as I was having a God moment, an epiphany. What if my dreams, the life I planned for me weren’t the dreams or the plans He has for me - And I was still holding on to MY dream, MY plan?


As a child growing up I was trained and taught of the importance of giving up our will to God’s will and His direction for our lives. People would pray, God, please heal Sister Bernice’s leg if it’s Your will  or God, I don’t’ want to go to Africa as a missionary but I will or God, I will be pastor even though I want to be a sciencist - you know what I’m talking about if you grow up in church.  As a Nazarene, we call this process - sanctification.


But I was the kid who wanted to go to Africa as a missionary. Check. No need to give my will over to God’s. I’m the women who wants to be a stay-at-home mom and wife. Check. No need to give my will over to God’s. I’m the pastor who wants to work with the “least of these”. Check. No need to give my will over to God’s.


Wait...


What if all these plans, all these dreams aren’t the plans, aren’t the dreams after all that God has for me?


I was temporarily crushed. Honest, I’m still crushed when I think about it for too long. It makes my heart hurt to think I may not get my dreams.


Why God?


Why do I have work all the time at a job I don’t really want? Why aren’t I in that Spanish speaking country yet using my high school graduation present of my Santa Biblia? Why no more children when we want them so desperately? Why?


Whoa – you mean even though I’ve laid my life out for You – I mean seriously God, I’m willing to go to Africa for you or live my life with the homeless -  You may want something else, something different?


Yepper’s Little Lady.


Whoa – a bitter pill to swallow for me. But if I believe in living a sanctified, holy life – He gets all of me, even my well-intending dreams.


So far, these dreams and plans aren’t totally surrendered to Him. I try and do daily; but someday I pick them back up. I would covet your prayers for my spirit that I could totally release my plans and dreams to God. Thanks Friends.




Here’s is Francesca’s song that stopped me in my tracks...

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

(Chorus)
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go


This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone


(Chorus)


Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid


(Chorus)


Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me