I believe it has been 6 months to the day since I last posted - how that's for regular!
So much has happened, but I believe anyone could say that after 6 months. Recap: Melisa has a shin rotation surgery in January, I got a promotion in February, I turned 31 in March, I was only home like 9 or 10 days in April, May was more travels and the all-church retreat over Memorial Day weekend, and now June. June has seen Michael's grandmother, Ana Mae, go home to heaven, the planning for Melisa's BIG surgery in July, Melisa's alone vacation to the Grandma's, and our 10 year anniversary. So it's been busy.
Also through those months and weeks, I've read a lot, been challenged a lot. I've even went on my own 12 step program *kinda*. Actually just one of the 12 steps - I took some weeks in there to go to people and ask forgiveness for wrong-doings towards them, anger towards them, bitterness/jealousy towards them. It was very hard to do that. Hard to call someone up and tell them my deepest heart issues and ask them to forgive me. Every single one of them forgave me, but it was hard and scary.
The hardest and the scariest of all were the ladies I had to go to and said, "I'm sorry. I have held lot of bitterness and jealously toward you because of your pregnancies." Unfortunately, my fertile friends can't understand how it feels with every pregnancy announcement, every baby shower, every birth, every complaint, every whine; they try and say they do but it's too deep of a heart issue for them to get the WHOLE picture. I firmly believe they understand a little, we've all experienced loss in our lives.
My hole has been great lately. Yes, I have Melisa and I love her deeply. God made her specifically for us, I truly believe this. BUT...and I know that is hard to say or hear...But I really thought we would have a larger family by now. AND, it seems our attempts to "gain" more children keep getting de-railed or move very slowly.
We have been offered some donated embryos and are looking into that possibility. We've never thought about this or even explored it, so it's REAL new ground for us. Our adoption is moving very slowly. Looks like our home study is finally complete and now we will move to the matching phase, which could take years.
Sometimes with all these walls and delays I wonder if we are mis-hearing God. I don't think so. I do not declare God's providence in the middle, only at the end; but is it's God's providence because of something coming down the road? But even if it is - my heart still hurts at times. I still grieve the life I thought I would have. I still cry and feel forgotten.
Also in the past 6 months I joined an online community of women with infertility. I have found some words of encouragement there, but more over - I found women WAY worst off than me. I even had to stop participating in because it was depressing for me. Even though I know there is someone worst off than me always, that very loud reminder was good, albeit depressing!
Strange where this post went - my original thought was to talk about a few of the books I read. Guess I need some cathartic writing! =)
Now off to get ready, a friend has invited me to go eat some BBQ and walk around the Christian book store - sounds like a good afternoon to me.
3 comments:
Great post Sarah! My prayers are continually with you and the family! Now, it's time for some good bbq and parousing Lifeway! :)
I know exactly what you're talking about with HP being depressing. I have to pace myself and avoid certain forums at times. Also, it helps to unlock the forums where people share good news. It can be hard to hear those announcements, but I've found it's important to read them to keep things balanced, you know? Anyway, I understand if you don't stay around. Just thought I'd offer those tips. :)
It's good to read from you again. Hope your life slows down enough to allow you to breathe and relax a bit.
Thanks for your words Esther. Hopefully you can "read" me a bit more in the coming months!
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